Nothing could have prepared me for the journey we've been on this year. No one could have shared with me just how hard life would be with ellie or without. Everyone in our household put their lives on hold. There was little time for sleep, for patience, and practically no time for each other. The stress was mounting during the last few weeks of her life--I wasn't sure how much longer our family could endure. And truth be told, ellie was not feeling well. Keeping her happy had become a herculean challenge. She cried around the clock, literally.
Now, it's been more than a month since she has died and the pain is ever present--as I go grocery shopping, get a haircut, or sit in yoga class. Getting though each day is tiresome and nights are filled with nightmares and insomnia. By dinnertime I'm usually overwhelmed from interacting with people all day--and I either end up crying at the table or snapping at the girls. To make matters worse, the girls are either wiping my tears away or telling me "it's okay you snapped at me mom; I know it's because you miss ellie." At night, while everyone is sleeping, I go through pictures, listen to her voice recordings, and watch videos to reflect on everything that has happened.
I have no regrets. I feel that I made the right decisions for her and on her behalf. Being ellie's mother was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I miss her dearly--the emptiness floods me. I miss her cries. I miss her happiness. Yet, I am thankful. I got to be her mother and nothing that can replace that.
