Nothing could have prepared me for the journey we've been on this year. No one could have shared with me just how hard life would be with ellie or without. Everyone in our household put their lives on hold. There was little time for sleep, for patience, and practically no time for each other. The stress was mounting during the last few weeks of her life--I wasn't sure how much longer our family could endure. And truth be told, ellie was not feeling well. Keeping her happy had become a herculean challenge. She cried around the clock, literally.
Now, it's been more than a month since she has died and the pain is ever present--as I go grocery shopping, get a haircut, or sit in yoga class. Getting though each day is tiresome and nights are filled with nightmares and insomnia. By dinnertime I'm usually overwhelmed from interacting with people all day--and I either end up crying at the table or snapping at the girls. To make matters worse, the girls are either wiping my tears away or telling me "it's okay you snapped at me mom; I know it's because you miss ellie." At night, while everyone is sleeping, I go through pictures, listen to her voice recordings, and watch videos to reflect on everything that has happened.
I have no regrets. I feel that I made the right decisions for her and on her behalf. Being ellie's mother was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I miss her dearly--the emptiness floods me. I miss her cries. I miss her happiness. Yet, I am thankful. I got to be her mother and nothing that can replace that.
Meeting Ellie and sharing your experiences with her has humbled us all.
ReplyDeleteI know there's nothing anyone can say to make this better, but know that there are tons of people out there who love and support you and would (will) do anything they can to make any of this easier. All our love to you, Greg, and the girls.
Joyal,
ReplyDeleteDevin and I have followed Ellie's journey and have prayed for peace to come to your family. I felt and feel the same way after we lost Lorelei. There are no words to describe the hole in your heart that your child once possessed. If you ever want to get together for a cup of coffee and talk, let me know.
Beth Mahoney
Dear Joyal, Greg, Charlotte Grace, and Adi, we are thinking of you all. Love, Lucy, Mark, Adugna, and Mihireti.
ReplyDeleteThe world can learn so much from Ellie. I hope that there will be a time when Ellie's life's story can be told to the world. The beauty of your love, the power of your faith, have given you the gift to express the joy and pain of life perfectly when you write. This story is God's guide for us all. Think how the world would be if we loved each soul as you and your family have loved each other.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.